Tires Used To Be Simple


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This is a tire. Notice its unique qualities. First, it is flat only on the bottom. Second, it is not on the car itself. Third, it is occupying the space where the spare tire would normally patiently await in the dark recesses of my trunk.

Now, the tire isn’t the main focus of this picture. That focus would be the small crack on the wheel rim. You can’t see it because the flat tire still hugs it. The crack is smaller that a Munchkin’s crack.

However, little things cause big problems.

They cause you to have multiple people remind you that you have a flat (yes I know Thankyouverymuch. Sigh).

They cause you call AAA to give directions to a parking lot that you have no idea what the address is. When that happens, I tend to overcompensate by giving landmarks nearby. I am tour guide descriptive of the landmarks. Fodor’s would be jealous.

They cause you to sit in a strange parking lot waiting for AAA to arrive. BTW, they were there in 15 minutes. Suck it, Domino’s. They are faster than you.

They cause you to realize that this is now an ex- tire, as incapable of holding air as New England Patriot receivers are of holding onto Tom Brady’s passes. Isn’t that right, Giselle ?

They cause you to have to put on something charitably known as a “donut tire”. Cars used to have full size spares until the auto manufacturers thought that downsizing the spare was the best idea since in-dash 8-track players.

Donut tires come with rules. Do not drive faster than 50 miles an hour. Do not take it on a highway. Don’t get it wet. Do not feed it after midnight. Do not remove tag under penalty of law.

And they cause you to realize that your particular car just happens to be a model that requires a “special order” for a “reconditioned” wheel rim.

And that it still will run over $160. So, now that my bank account will be reconditioned to a lower amount, I get to drive on a mini- tire and have everybody look and say ” Gee, did you have a flat?” like there might also be a possibility that I would not actually know that I have a toy tire on my car.

So that’s my day courtesy of my right front passenger tire. Wait, is it a 17 or 19 inch rim? My brain is now flat.

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